1 Feb 15

My life is a richness of embarrassments.

 

17 Jan 15

I'm starting a lifestyle magazine for median aged people.

 

6 Jan 15

Throwing away all of my used paper clips. Gross.

 

6 Dec 14

Excited my new Christmas slacks arrived in the mail...they're sharp.

 

6 Nov 14

Fell asleep last night in the middle of turtleneck shopping (online).

 

7 Oct 14

Back in my day Ebola was simply known as "The Chi-Chi's Flu".

 

21 Sep 14

Most "messages from the universe" are now sponsored by giant corporations.

 

9 Sep 14

I suppose I should watch "12 Years A Slave" before "Another 12 Years A Slave" comes out.

 

2 Sep 14

To people who say we should make the world a better place, I say "Define better" "Define place" & "Define make" until they stop caring.

 

23 Jul 14

In my day "Throwback Thursday" meant reading the Old Testament, or maybe old TV Guides. ?#tbt

 

10 Jul 14

Thanks, easily activated #Kindle dictionary, but I already know what "the" and "five" mean.

 

21 Jun 14

Now that I've finally caught up and figured out how to be "cool", everyone from high school has figured out how to be rich.

 

28 May 14

Uncovering a mass grave is one of the most annoying things a gardener has to deal with.

 

19 May 14

What is it with Tom Hanks acting in all these movies?

19 May 14

College alumni quarterly, meet Mailmate Shredder, Staples ‘09 #stopmakingmefeelinadequate


1 May 14

25 years ago this month I attended my Senior Prom. It was the first time I ever ate with utensils and had my photo taken.


12 Mar 14

My parents didn't actually leave me home alone, they'd always put on a Bee Gees record before going out all night.

 

6 Mar 14

When did we start salting our caramel so obsessively?

 

31 Jan 14

It must feel terrible when you fail at being a step uncle-in-law.

 

22 Jan 14

The older I get the less it matters that people don't think about me.

 

10 Jan 14

Time for some PBS “After Dark”.

 

27 Dec 13

I still think Auto-Reverse is miraculous.

 

23 Dec 13

"Surround Your Child With Love and Second-Hand Smoke" was the top selling parenting book of the 1970s.

 

15 Dec 13

Was LOLing at "Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked" today until the murder scene.

 

3 Oct 13

How do you do a "facial expression"?

 

27 Sep 13

The corporate sponsors of my life are asking for their money back.

 

26 Jul 13

Should I run 5 miles or just do a 5 minute training montage set to a classic rock tune?

 

20 Jul 13

I love John Denver's music, it's so angry.

 

7 Jun 13

I'd rather leave empty-handed than ask a store clerk to help me find something.

 

5 Jun 13

The hot meals and lively spelling bees are what I miss most about prison.

 

5 Jun 13

Today I learned you don't really learn something new every day.

 

19 May 13

Being known as the "Clientslayer" probably won't help your career in advertising.

 

27 Apr 13

When will McDonald's finally release a cookbook/lifestyle guide?

 

22 Apr 13

Superman was known as "Flying Popeye" in his very early days.

 

2 Apr 13

I once had a near-fun experience.

 

25 Mar 13

Lowering of standards=Opportunity

 

15 Mar 13

A gentleman never sends a Friend Request.

 

8 Mar 13

They never talk about the many celebrities who end up in happy fulfilling relationships with their stalkers.

 

2 Feb 13

I demand that the U.S. government provide me with a legal path to VCR ownership.

 

30 Jan 13

I was never invited on class trips.

 

23 Jan 13

I wish I had the boundless, untested self-confidence of a home-schooled child.

 

14 Jan 13

I've always rejected labels like VHF and UHF.

 

13 Jan 13

Watching “Pretty in Pink” on A&E is bringing up a LOT of bad memories. I wish my therapist wasn't in jail.


 

30 Dec 12

I need a VHS- and Beta-compatible fax machine for my home office.

 

30 Dec 12

I wish I could see photos of my grubbiest ancestors.

 

28 Dec 12

How do I completely delete other people's tweets out of existence?

 

27 Dec 12

I like tasteful “lovemaking” scenes from '70s movies.

 

3 Dec 12

Thought about re-reading "Angela's Ashes" but it's so '90s.

 

29 Nov 12

Can't get home because the Salvation Army has mined all the roads.

 

26 Nov 12

It's best to tell your kids there's no Santa Claus some time before they start having kids of their own.

 

25 Nov 12

I bet I'd make an excellent "good will ambassador" to some crappy backwater of a country.

 

12 Nov 12

I feel sorry for people whose lives are so empty they try to fill the void with work, hobbies, art, books, meaningful relationships, etc.

 

2 Nov 12

My 14-month-old has trouble with the concept of object permanence because of my habit of vanishing into other dimensions in front of him.

 

25 Oct 12

I love cafés that are decorated with pictures of other cafés.

 

6 Jun 12

Julian Lennon. Son of John, Bard of Duane Reade

 

31 May 12

Can't wait for the motion picture release of "Lawrence Welk, Goblin Slayer" in

2013.

 

22 Mar 12

I rear-ended a #Prius this morning and it exploded into a ball of lightning.

 

3 Mar 12

Are you allowed to post photos of ducks or geese on #instagram ?

 

23 Feb 12

I'll always be an overachiever if you subtract 15 years from my age.

 

27 Sep 11

Looking forward to quietly celebrating @GwynethPaltrow 's birthday tonight,

unlike the drunken Goopfests of years past.

 

23 Sep 11

Are single-cell organisms proper role models for our children?

 

11 Aug 11

Why is Facebook suggesting as a friend my high school vice principal? So he

can yell at me on my Wall?

 

22 Jul 11

I can't wait to have old-person handwriting.

 

14 Jul 11

Too bad the people lined up for the Hampton Jitney bus have no idea they're

headed for the Taco Bell meat factory.

 

5 Jul 11

Sometimes it's nice to stop and notice all the sad little businesses in your

neighborhood. #entrepreneurs

 

14 Jun 11

You can simulate the #Kindle reading experience with a paperback by ripping

out whatever page you're on and paperclipping it to the cover.

 

14 May 11

When is #foursquare going to mail all the badges I've earned?

 

8 May 11

Why do most people not mind having piles of dead carrier pigeons around their

home, but freak at the sight of a single live mouse?

 

8 Apr 11

I'm tired of all the "isms" in the world except prostitutionism.

 

28 Feb 11

Congrats to The King's Speech! Remember, no matter what your background is, you

can rise to become temporarily useful to a king. #Oscars

 

1 Feb 11

We still only dream of doing half the things Mork could do.

 

19 Jan 11

A week-long cruise to an exotic destination with alumni from your university is

a great vacation idea, if you enjoy doing horrible things.

 

9 Jan 11

If you accidentally take Viagra, watch the opening credits of "The Waltons" to

counteract its effects.

 

8 Jan 11

#FollowFriday Your Mail Carrier, Korean-American Dentists, Stray Raccoon Families

 

2 Jan 11

Most of my happiest memories from 2010 were HBO-related.

 

1 Jan 11

I called AAA three times yesterday to use up the rest of my roadside assistance

and towing benefits for the year.

 

29 Nov 10

Christmas carolers, always carry mace or pepper spray, just in case some creep

decides to not let you into their house.

 

31 Oct 10

I'm getting other-people's-costumes fatigue.

 

14 Oct 10

Celebrating Halloween recession-style with a big bag of "Sassy Tarts" candy.

 

29 Sep 10

I've still got plenty of flight left in me.

 

2 Jul 10

Bed. Breakfast. And then what?

 

1 Jul 10

Hope to start casting my "Ten-Year-Old Dad" reality series sometime soon.

 

26 Jun 10

Off to Boston to give my friend the bachelor party he never had, because he was

never married before.

 

22 Apr 10

Writing ad copy can be like solving a crossword puzzle devised by the

mentally ill.

 

4 Feb 10

People always seem to be having way more fun in the next subway car.

 

12 Nov 09

When people say they're trying break their Facebook addiction, it really means

they hate their friends.

 

30 Oct 09

I feel like walking out of a movie this weekend

 

8 Sep 09

Why we can't pay for stuff online with cash by entering the serial numbers of

the bills?

 

23 Jun 09

What is your darkest cuddling fantasy?