1 Feb 15
My life is a richness of embarrassments.
17 Jan 15
I'm starting a lifestyle magazine for median aged people.
6 Jan 15
Throwing away all of my used paper clips. Gross.
6 Dec 14
Excited my new Christmas slacks arrived in the mail...they're sharp.
6 Nov 14
Fell asleep last night in the middle of turtleneck shopping (online).
7 Oct 14
Back in my day Ebola was simply known as "The Chi-Chi's Flu".
21 Sep 14
Most "messages from the universe" are now sponsored by giant corporations.
9 Sep 14
I suppose I should watch "12 Years A Slave" before "Another 12 Years A Slave" comes out.
2 Sep 14
To people who say we should make the world a better place, I say "Define better" "Define place" & "Define make" until they stop caring.
23 Jul 14
In my day "Throwback Thursday" meant reading the Old Testament, or maybe old TV Guides. ?#tbt
10 Jul 14
Thanks, easily activated #Kindle dictionary, but I already know what "the" and "five" mean.
21 Jun 14
Now that I've finally caught up and figured out how to be "cool", everyone from high school has figured out how to be rich.
28 May 14
Uncovering a mass grave is one of the most annoying things a gardener has to deal with.
19 May 14
What is it with Tom Hanks acting in all these movies?
19 May 14
College alumni quarterly, meet Mailmate Shredder, Staples ‘09 #stopmakingmefeelinadequate
1 May 14
25 years ago this month I attended my Senior Prom. It was the first time I ever ate with utensils and had my photo taken.
12 Mar 14
My parents didn't actually leave me home alone, they'd always put on a Bee Gees record before going out all night.
6 Mar 14
When did we start salting our caramel so obsessively?
31 Jan 14
It must feel terrible when you fail at being a step uncle-in-law.
22 Jan 14
The older I get the less it matters that people don't think about me.
10 Jan 14
Time for some PBS “After Dark”.
27 Dec 13
I still think Auto-Reverse is miraculous.
23 Dec 13
"Surround Your Child With Love and Second-Hand Smoke" was the top selling parenting book of the 1970s.
15 Dec 13
Was LOLing at "Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked" today until the murder scene.
3 Oct 13
How do you do a "facial expression"?
27 Sep 13
The corporate sponsors of my life are asking for their money back.
26 Jul 13
Should I run 5 miles or just do a 5 minute training montage set to a classic rock tune?
20 Jul 13
I love John Denver's music, it's so angry.
7 Jun 13
I'd rather leave empty-handed than ask a store clerk to help me find something.
5 Jun 13
The hot meals and lively spelling bees are what I miss most about prison.
5 Jun 13
Today I learned you don't really learn something new every day.
19 May 13
Being known as the "Clientslayer" probably won't help your career in advertising.
27 Apr 13
When will McDonald's finally release a cookbook/lifestyle guide?
22 Apr 13
Superman was known as "Flying Popeye" in his very early days.
2 Apr 13
I once had a near-fun experience.
25 Mar 13
Lowering of standards=Opportunity
15 Mar 13
A gentleman never sends a Friend Request.
8 Mar 13
They never talk about the many celebrities who end up in happy fulfilling relationships with their stalkers.
2 Feb 13
I demand that the U.S. government provide me with a legal path to VCR ownership.
30 Jan 13
I was never invited on class trips.
23 Jan 13
I wish I had the boundless, untested self-confidence of a home-schooled child.
14 Jan 13
I've always rejected labels like VHF and UHF.
13 Jan 13
Watching “Pretty in Pink” on A&E is bringing up a LOT of bad memories. I wish my therapist wasn't in jail.
30 Dec 12
I need a VHS- and Beta-compatible fax machine for my home office.
30 Dec 12
I wish I could see photos of my grubbiest ancestors.
28 Dec 12
How do I completely delete other people's tweets out of existence?
27 Dec 12
I like tasteful “lovemaking” scenes from '70s movies.
3 Dec 12
Thought about re-reading "Angela's Ashes" but it's so '90s.
29 Nov 12
Can't get home because the Salvation Army has mined all the roads.
26 Nov 12
It's best to tell your kids there's no Santa Claus some time before they start having kids of their own.
25 Nov 12
I bet I'd make an excellent "good will ambassador" to some crappy backwater of a country.
12 Nov 12
I feel sorry for people whose lives are so empty they try to fill the void with work, hobbies, art, books, meaningful relationships, etc.
2 Nov 12
My 14-month-old has trouble with the concept of object permanence because of my habit of vanishing into other dimensions in front of him.
25 Oct 12
I love cafés that are decorated with pictures of other cafés.
6 Jun 12
Julian Lennon. Son of John, Bard of Duane Reade
31 May 12
Can't wait for the motion picture release of "Lawrence Welk, Goblin Slayer" in
2013.
22 Mar 12
I rear-ended a #Prius this morning and it exploded into a ball of lightning.
3 Mar 12
Are you allowed to post photos of ducks or geese on #instagram ?
23 Feb 12
I'll always be an overachiever if you subtract 15 years from my age.
27 Sep 11
Looking forward to quietly celebrating @GwynethPaltrow 's birthday tonight,
unlike the drunken Goopfests of years past.
23 Sep 11
Are single-cell organisms proper role models for our children?
11 Aug 11
Why is Facebook suggesting as a friend my high school vice principal? So he
can yell at me on my Wall?
22 Jul 11
I can't wait to have old-person handwriting.
14 Jul 11
Too bad the people lined up for the Hampton Jitney bus have no idea they're
headed for the Taco Bell meat factory.
5 Jul 11
Sometimes it's nice to stop and notice all the sad little businesses in your
neighborhood. #entrepreneurs
14 Jun 11
You can simulate the #Kindle reading experience with a paperback by ripping
out whatever page you're on and paperclipping it to the cover.
14 May 11
When is #foursquare going to mail all the badges I've earned?
8 May 11
Why do most people not mind having piles of dead carrier pigeons around their
home, but freak at the sight of a single live mouse?
8 Apr 11
I'm tired of all the "isms" in the world except prostitutionism.
28 Feb 11
Congrats to The King's Speech! Remember, no matter what your background is, you
can rise to become temporarily useful to a king. #Oscars
1 Feb 11
We still only dream of doing half the things Mork could do.
19 Jan 11
A week-long cruise to an exotic destination with alumni from your university is
a great vacation idea, if you enjoy doing horrible things.
9 Jan 11
If you accidentally take Viagra, watch the opening credits of "The Waltons" to
counteract its effects.
8 Jan 11
#FollowFriday Your Mail Carrier, Korean-American Dentists, Stray Raccoon Families
2 Jan 11
Most of my happiest memories from 2010 were HBO-related.
1 Jan 11
I called AAA three times yesterday to use up the rest of my roadside assistance
and towing benefits for the year.
29 Nov 10
Christmas carolers, always carry mace or pepper spray, just in case some creep
decides to not let you into their house.
31 Oct 10
I'm getting other-people's-costumes fatigue.
14 Oct 10
Celebrating Halloween recession-style with a big bag of "Sassy Tarts" candy.
29 Sep 10
I've still got plenty of flight left in me.
2 Jul 10
Bed. Breakfast. And then what?
1 Jul 10
Hope to start casting my "Ten-Year-Old Dad" reality series sometime soon.
26 Jun 10
Off to Boston to give my friend the bachelor party he never had, because he was
never married before.
22 Apr 10
Writing ad copy can be like solving a crossword puzzle devised by the
mentally ill.
4 Feb 10
People always seem to be having way more fun in the next subway car.
12 Nov 09
When people say they're trying break their Facebook addiction, it really means
they hate their friends.
30 Oct 09
I feel like walking out of a movie this weekend
8 Sep 09
Why we can't pay for stuff online with cash by entering the serial numbers of
the bills?
23 Jun 09
What is your darkest cuddling fantasy?